In my memory world, yes memory. I am everything I want to be, because I don’t want to be anything else. I can’t speak, I can’t read, I can’t sing, I can’t scheme or cheat or be unfaithful but I do all this, I walk and I walk and I walk, because humans stand straight, I’m not a primate anymore, it just happened. I examined and considered those huge branches where I could have swung from one to another, up there on these big tropical trees in the middle of large Savannah plains, where I could have observed the mysterious horizon, walked no line, just wondering or imagining what’s beyond. There, I could have stood and walked straighter, with a larger head and an ample forehead on another path. Men have those strong foreheads and I am a man, but not much love in that strength, not much honesty. Why didn’t I stop to extrapolate and be content to have no vocabulary to explain that blue isn’t red, right is not wrong or left, and white doesn’t exist. Really, as well as “laziness” or work? I am a male and that’s not the same thing as being a female, but the fact that I’m short or tall, intelligent or stupid, wide or thin, fat or skinny, sad or happy, that’s debatable, only when I’m scared or hungry, tired, sleepy or laughing, my brain seems to be functioning properly and reacts, invents some strategy to satisfy these calls, these cells coursing, but when I’m dreaming of being rich, or powerful, famous or live a “fabulous” life of comfort and obtain more things- then my brain gets soft and mediocre. Yes, mediocrity exists. I look at myself. Why do I look at myself? Then, I look at somebody else. Why one would do that? Why don’t I look at other animals more often and try to understand why they chose not to build ugly roads like we did, or use coal as we do to get warm and how we spoiled the easiness of our breathing, the atmosphere and everything else? They didn’t invent weapons to exterminate one another or judge themselves as “sharp shooter” or “poor guy he only has a one bedroom apartment” ” I just bought a house” as the chest puffs out, his worth heightened by a mortgage. No, they just seem to enjoy the immense abilities they have to exist, with serene behaviour when their “natural” predator doesn’t menace them, content they go, we call that happiness. They only have the vitality that this world requires them to have. In our twisted thinking we happened to invent achievement, success, vocation, concept, real estate, war, and many other kinds of things. We’re including it in our bag of stuff, in our decadence. Because we didn’t have a designated foe we turned to each other, turned on one another, but it wasn’t enough. Then, we created a ferocious one to keep us in turmoil, God, religion, then and to top that-banking, only then, the rampage began and our demolition started, from beast to human. Yes, I look at myself and what do I see? Two beady eyes, a smile when I’m embarrassed, but hardly much room for that these days, I’ve lost all humility, useless to have empathy when climbing and status are the aim. Frown when afraid?…I’d hardly admit to that, so I hoard… or when furious, I just take it out on others, make deals, scheme, scam, sell, sell, sell, take all I can, trade on the blood of others, just as long as I profit. Yes, I carry a big, big, big head where I think the world has entered and it has entered in the form of paranoia… to gain, win at any cost, arrogance, grandeur, malady, disrespect- then, then, they say I am moving up in the world.
epidemic of greed, amnesia of good by S. Hennigan
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