The floor of the Starbucks had a 1-2 inch puddle of water caused from melted snow one to two inches deep. It wasn’t the coziest of Starbucks, but it served its purpose. I found an empty table in the corner, sat down and pulled out a book that I needed to read over break in order to teach it for the first time. However, I was like an infant drawn to the myriad of colorful, bright snow jackets and attractive snow bunnies that were coming and going with their skinny asses and skinny lattes.
When I finished, my coffee, I decided to head back to the room, where I would await Adriana and Melody, who were probably flying down a hill at this very moment, while I was wondering once again what in the world I was doing here in the first place. It was right then that my mocha-fueled gas set in. And naturally, it was at that exact moment when Adriana and Melody walked in.
“Did somebody slaughter a cow in here?,” Melody asked upon entry.
“What?,” I asked, pretending not to know what they were talking about.
“Did you fart, or did you shit?,” Adriana asked.
I realized feigning innocence was next to impossible and admitted to my crime. After all, admitting I farted wasn’t nearly as embarrassing as admitting to a bad shit.
“Anybody up for the hot tub?,” Adriana asked, both changing the subject and looking for a way out the room I just turned into a contamination zone. My eyes immediately widened at this suggestion: a hot tub with two attractive women. You couldn’t script a better opening to a porno! Maybe life can imitate porn every now and then. And not the other way around. Of course, the miniscule chance that anything would happen to begin with was eradicated by the fumes pouring out of my body. But the fantasy remained.
“I’ll bring the wine,” Melody said.
We agreed that the logical thing would be for me to change in the bathroom, to give the girls pirvacy. And of course, the entire time, all I could think about was the fact that there were two hot naked women on the other side of the bathroom door. The reminder that one dorky, hairy dude was on the other side brought everything back to reality.
When we were all ready, we headed out to the frigid outdoors and I immediately wondered what in the hell I was doing in nothing but a t-shirt and swim suit in late December…in Canada.
As we approached the empty hot tub, I was astonished at the sheer size of it. It was the size of a medium-sized swimming pool – a hot water oasis in a snow desert. Steam swirled into the air, creating an other-worldly feel. It brought to mind the grotto at the Playboy Mansion.
I watched Adriana and Melody disrobe, revealing sexy bikinis. They noticed I was watching and I awkwardly looked away, but not before noticing that they were also cold. As they climbed into the tub, I began to reluctantly disrobe – partially due to my insecurity regarding body image issues (magnified by the presence of attractive women), but also out of fear of exposing my flesh to the cold, Canadian December air. I momentarily considered leaving my t-shirt on for these two reasons combined, then thought the better of it. As I awkwardly removed my t-shirt, I was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed the sensation of cold air. A few seconds later, I was quickly reminded why we bundle up in the winter to begin with.